I am 25, single, and claim to be a Christian. I say “claim” because I fail so often in my spiritual walk, that I don’t want people to look at me and be turned away from God. I work on it, but I am also guilty of being completely lazy, selfish and hard-headed a lot of times. It shows in my life right now. I am broken, lonely and hurting, (I don’t mean to preach) but I know exactly what I’m doing wrong, I just can’t understand why. I know it’s Satan tempting me, but I loathe how easily I fall into those traps of his, which ultimately turn into a snowball effect in my life until everything is in ruins.
Every so often I find myself so hurt that I end up being angry at God for not getting what I want. HA! I am a ridiculous, selfish, little child in these ways. But thankfully, He is a loving, forgiving, and caring FATHER. He sees my little hissy fits and (rolls his eyes, stifles a laugh) picks me up, dusts me off, and sets me back on my way.
My life isn’t how I want it, because exactly that: I only focus on what I want. I am too scared and selfish to throw everything I have into God’s hands and let Him figure it all out for me. I’m too much of a control freak, and because of that my level of stress is much too high for a girl in her 20s.
I am spilling this out, not only to be honest and upfront with y’all, but also so you can all hold me accountable. I need that right now. I make too many excuses, and in turn, put my will for my life above God’s will for it.
Wouldn’t a marriage be so much more beautiful (and worth the wait) if it is who, what and how God ordained it? Wouldn’t having babies be the same way? Everything would be!
I have made it a point in my life to refuse to worry about my future. I can’t change it in worry, so why waste the energy, time and emotion? One of my favorite quotes that keeps this in check is: “There is not enough room in your mind for both worry and faith. You must decide which one will live there.”
So today, I am committing to allowing God to rule over and in my life. It will be a process for me, and a tough one at that, but I know it will be worth it. In every “why?!” moment, I know it will all be worth the confusion and heartache. For every dark and painful evening, I will be comforted with the joy and breathtaking glory of every new day just hours later. I refuse to ruin my own life simply because I am too selfish to allow God to bless me wholly and fully in ways I could never imagine. I know even a life with God is not perfect, but I know it will be beyond 100% worth it.
I will no longer dig up in worry what I have planted in faith. I will trust in Him, in everything, always.