With every new chapter in my adulthood, it seems that each year is starting to try to one-up the last, in the amount and severity of curveballs life can unexpectedly chuck at me. I have been through unimaginable situations that I was literally speechless in, thinking, “I cannot wrap my head about this actually being my reality”.
It starts with one bad break up, and eventually finding solstice in another relationship and winding up heartbroken before I even know what hit me. After a good long beating in the love life department, my disease goes out of control and I am sick for about a month. A couple of my closest friends announce and/or leave for college. I got a temporary part time job to see if I could even juggle another one, and after a long rotten day doing both, I come home to find my (ridiculously over-) beloved Betta fish, Skeeter, dead. Not to mention, I just got news back on a family member’s heart study results.
Maybe these seem like nothing to you, but I am a very emotional person. I am very transparent and have never been able to hide any trace of what I am feeling, ever. I take in and feel every situation very deeply and process things for days (or weeks, or months, or years…) after it.
This year, I am exhausted. When I found Skeeter, gray and sideways at the top of his tank, I bawled my eyes out for literally 4 hours. Yeah, I was so bummed he was gone, but most of it had nothing to do with him. He simply served as the final straw that broke me. Today, someone joked about how they had it bad, and I glared at him and said, “You have a girlfriend to go home to. My fish just died and now I have NOTHING!” While we both laughed at how ridiculous I was/am being, it’s hard in these moments to not compare your life to others. The green eyed monster comes out and starts making lists of what you’re missing out on. Then, hopelessness takes center stage.
It is draining having to ride emotional, mental and physical roller coasters, simultaneously, day after day after day. I texted a friend, “It’s just been a looooooong hard year for me and I’m just tired.” and she responded, “Girl, yes you have! I would have been tired Jan 1 with [you-know-who]!” Friends are freaking awesome for these seasons in life.
Even though it is rough and I am exhausted and struggling right now, I’m keeping my head down, reminding myself to breathe and knowing the light at the tunnel exists- I don’t have to see it to have the comfort of knowing that it’s there. I force myself out of my house and take my bike to work (in place of my too-comfortable jeep) or meet a girlfriend out at the bar, even if just for an hour. I will go insane if I stare at my bedroom walls any longer. Even if I don’t feel like it, I do it. I know these funks can take hold quickly, and while I am allowing myself to wallow and rest, I refuse to let it take over.
Life is hard. Everyone has a million things going on that we have absolutely no idea about. The more people I meet (and inspirational videos I watch on YouTube), the more my heart is over joyed and filled with hope at the courage and strength of people who have become legends for what they have survived. Things can always be (or get) better, and they can always be (or get) worse. Never take advantage of the good times, and learn from every single heartbreak.
You have a 100% success rate at surviving the absolute worst moments, days and losses in your life. As Winnie the Pooh taught us, “You are braver than you believer, stronger than you seem, smarter than you think, and loved more than you will ever know”. –A.A. Milne.
This too shall pass, friends. We’re all figuring out this messy little thing we have called life, together.
Xo,
Lauren.