Tales of a Siren: Self Worth

Hey you guys. Here we are a month in. Writing about all of these life lessons has stretched me as an individual made me stop and think. There have been so many times in my life where a feeling of there being so much more to life than just the moment or the season that I find myself in. That I am merely just in the beginning the journey God has for me.  There is something greater beyond what I am feeling or wanting. This life is a short journey compared to what awaits me on the other side. Too many times to count I found myself wondering if I had just tried harder, made a better effort, or done more, would it have made a difference? What was my self worth? What was it tied up in? We all ask ourselves this question. Sometimes the answer is found easily other times it’s not.


Too many times in this world we find that a certain situation, person, or circumstance can give us that feeling of belonging. Being accepted and acknowledged as important to someone or a situation is a very real human response to life and the very nature of who we are.  We want to be valued and wanted. The fear of being rejected is real. Think of anytime you are left out of invitation to go to dinner, a show, or for coffee, when everyone else as it seems has been invited to do said thing. The feeling of failure and not being enough creeps in. To feel inadequate is a terrible place to be. No one wants to be left behind. Looking from the outside looking in can be so lonely.


I have been there several times myself. I was adopted at eighteen months. One of the biggest hurdles that I have ever had to face was dealing with with the fact that I was left at the hospital and that someone didn’t want me. How does one deal with being unwanted? My parents being the super parents that they are spent years working to show me unconditional love and stability beyond what most kids have ever known. They knew that I needed to know I was loved and valued. My mom always telling me that  God had always known I was meant to be there child. That I was never meant to be anyone else’s.  How profound is that? The knowledge that my folks had somehow just known I was meant for them and never doubted it, placed a feeling of security and belief in something bigger than the moment I was in. Not that I truly understood what that meant until much later in life. It’s crazy to think that after seeing one picture of me they knew that I belonged with them.  That picture changed my life.


At first sight of my dad I was terrified. I screamed and cried and pitched a fit and wouldn’t let him near me. Nothing compares to the story of the time my mom left us alone at a restaurant to run to the restroom. Talk about a fit the size of Texas! My poor sweet dad was so embarrassed and didn’t know what to do with me. I screamed my head off. My dad wanted to crawl under the table and hide. Somehow magically my tears disappeared  when my mom came back to the table.  To this day my folks love telling that story. Isn’t it funny to see how far we can come from being so insecure to knowing we do matter and have a purpose in this life.  Finding this security began with unconditional love and knowledge that even when I messed up and made mistakes or in this case screamed my head off at my poor dad. I was still loved and forgiven. To find love in such a human form is a gift not easily forgotten or taken for granted. One of life’s first lessons had been taught . Knowing that I had ultimate security in where I was and who I was became the center of who I was to become.


As time would have it, life only seemed to continue to teach me lesson after lesson of discovering who my true friends were and who were only fair weather friends. A times it seemed like no one cared about little old me. Spending a majority of my young years moving and never staying one in town for more than a few years,  took quite a toll on the feeling of belonging. Being accepted for who I was. It always seemed like I was an outsider and never really fit in with everyone else.  It was also a scary thing to make a new friend, knowing we could move again.  Add to that I wasn’t exactly the same “color” as my parents. Trust me, the question arose quite often of “ Are those your real parents?”, “What color are you?” Our reply always being, “No, they are plastic”, “I am people colored thank you very much.” Learning to deal with uncomfortable questions helped me grow as an individual. Finding my own sense of self worth began at a very young age.  Knowing that what others thought was not important. The people that mattered never failed to be there when I needed them  most.  I mattered and was important despite what other people thought.  I always had my family and knew we could overcome anything. I could find something beyond myself, but what was it exactly? Did it exist with other people, places, or me?  I was so young and yet there was such a sense of security in where I was and who I was. Being a kid is so much easier than being an adult.


 As time passed and people began to take there toll on who was. I would do anything to fit in and feel accepted with whatever crowd I was currently with. Now some of these crowds proved to be the absolute best and held me accountable to who I knew I needed to be. Others tested me and made me question if where I was, was the place I needed to be. How easy it became to find my self worth in how many invites I had for the weekend to go somewhere, do something, or just get a reaction from someone. Sometimes in a good way, others in not the greatest way. I know we as humans go through this stage. Some with great grace and others not quite so much. Thankfully my journey was full of grace even at my worst. Not my grace of course buts God’s  grace and guidance never failed me. Even when I found myself doubting my self worth at it’s very lowest point and wondering if life was really worth living. It was and finding my path made my life richer. I had a clearer sense of what was important.


So now I am in the here and now. Watching so many people. I love people watching. It  is absolutely amazing and if you watch closely enough, everyone is telling their own story of self worth.  There is girl walking in the store trying to hide her very existence  because the last time someone noticed her she was ridiculed and shamed for not being enough. Every girl thinks she needs to look like the girl on the cover of a magazine. Rolls are so not in. Here comes a super handsome guy who seems so confidant  and prideful. When in all truth he finds his self worth in how his presence fills a room and that every woman will fall at his feet. Nothing can stop him from the challenge. Yet deep down is guy that just wants to be wanted. A young teen walks in just wanting to fit in with the cool kids at the other table wishing they would invite home over to hangout, but to no avail. He knows he’s not cool enough. Along comes a older lady who dreams days of her youth and longs for the days that youth was on her side. But alas time still passes.


What if we honestly and openly  lived in the moment of self worth that we find ourselves in. God never promised an easy life on earth.  There will be plenty of days of the struggle. What we do with it when it  makes or breaks us. Sometimes from all of the broken we are formed into new and improved versions of ourselves.  Being broken into nothingness is a place I hate being in. But it is in ashes that we find new life and a new drive to reinvent who we are. We never walk the broken road alone.  Just when we can’t take anymore something bigger happens, the most perfect person or circumstance seems to fit into where we are. The lights come on in all of  the darkness and we find our way out. It’s almost as if we have been caught underground in a world of darkness. While there, we face a huge challenge of not being enough.  It is the people in our lives that lift us up and remind us we matter and our journey has only begun. Yet again the people that truly love you and care for you will never cease just being there. They will smile for you when you can’t, they will laugh whole-heartedly when you need a good laugh, a hug will lighten the load and a listening ear does wonders for the soul.  They will remember the little things and make an effort to show that they believe in you even when you don’t.


These days I find my self worth in God and his spoken promise of greater than me coming. I am loved beyond measure and so are you. There is a plan for everything we do. Sometime the plan goes so smoothly and other times it’s like two five year old children fighting over a toy. NO matter what you do….the plan doesn’t go accordingly or does it? The control we seek for ourselves can sometimes cloud where we are.


Seek not earthly things for self worth. It a higher plain that we seek. One full of love, compassion, and knowledge that we are enough. Earthly things only last for short time. Our destination is beyond us and what we can even understand.   But I leave you with this week. As a child and creation of God we are more than enough. We alone can find the strength to rise above and know that no matter what or where we are we are loved, accepted, and never walk alone.  Finding the child like faith we might have lost along the way can find us again, but only if we let it. Delight in the little things, love others, respect who you are and where you came from. You are more than enough and make a bigger difference than you think. You alone decide what you are worth. No one can convince you that you are important. That is journey you take walking with God and everyone that he places in your path in the most perfect way possible.


Only you can choose to #makeadifference, #bethechange, #lovealways  Take it and run with it. May you be the inspiration for someone to be something more and know that they matter. YOU never know what that small moment of being the change can do. Have a great week y’all!!! #talesofasiren

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